Well hello there,
I can’t believe it has been over a year since I’ve blogged – in fact it’s over a year since I’ve written at all. If you’ve read my blog before you might remember that I suffer from depression and anxiety. I thought I was on the road to recovery but alas I wasn’t at all – my black dog came back and bit me on the bum hard.
I’ll give a brief summary as to what has happened over the past year. I’m sure I’ll go in to things in more detail in future blog posts, but at the moment I’m just happy that I have some energy to write a few sentences today. *NB this post mentions suicide*
Me and my boys moved in to our new house in June 2013 and for some unknown reason I started to feel down again. My doctor steadily increased my prescription of Sertraline until I was on the maximum dose (200mg) in February 2014 and still wasn’t feeling any improvement in my mood. I felt like I wasn’t being offered any more help from my doctor and so was left to struggle on alone. I was tearful everyday, I was angry, impatient, comfort ate, tired, couldn’t concentrate on anything and worst of all I was having suicidal thoughts again. I didn’t speak to anyone about how I was feeling – big mistake. I felt so alone and I felt like a lost cause – I had been battling depression for 4 years and I wasn’t getting the help I needed: maybe I was helpless?! I was tired of fighting, I couldn’t carry on feeling like this for another 4 years, let alone 4 days. It wasn’t fair that my children had to be raised by a mother who was sad all the time, they deserved better than me. So I took an overdose. I stayed in a psychiatric hospital for a month where they changed my medication to Fluoxetine (60mg a day). I was discharged and now have a CPN who I see fortnightly and I see my psychiatrist monthly as an outpatient. I don’t feel like the Fluoxetine is working and actually think it is giving me nasty side effects such as excess sweating and hot flushes, teeth grinding and clamping and acne. My memory is awful, I have to write every little thing down or I forget. Most of the time I forget to write things down though. I haven’t read a book in over a year – I used to read a couple of books a week. I feel extremely anxious in social and new situations. I have gained 5 stone in weight – again. Thankfully my medication is now being reviewed, just a case of trial and error I suppose to find something that will help me.
My CPN is excellent – he encourages me to be proactive in my recovery. This is hard as I can’t even be bothered to brush my teeth most of the time, but it is all about taking little steps to help myself. I joined Slimming World yesterday and today I have written one blog post. Little steps :)